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看着她的演唱会的当儿，听着她唱着她的组曲时，脑袋开始浮现了一些回忆：一些埋在心里
解脱 － 这首歌让我想起了我的初恋。那是一段多么青涩，多么单纯的感情。当时的他，非常喜爱阿
记得 － 这首歌，仿佛写入我的心坎里去。我的第二段感情在无可奈何的情况下，走到了尽头。刚分
我恨我爱你 － 我真的好恨我自己这么爱你。或许开始本来就是个错误，是个我们俩也没料到的错误。原以
听你听我 － 阿嬷，这首歌是献给你的。谢谢你过去带给我的一切美好。 你永远是我的宝。如果有来世，我想再做你的外孙女，陪伴你，疼惜你，爱护你。阿嬷，我
如果你也听说 － 能感觉阿妹当时的绝望与无奈。好多次都感觉到自己正处在边缘，不知该往哪儿走。只好借
掉了 － 当一切都掉了，你还能盼望什么呢？ 还能追求什么呢？ 回忆，的确是最可怕的敌人。。。
Every year when it comes to moments like this, I'll get all choked up and start penning down all that has happened within the last 365 days. Most of the time, I'll blog about the sad events that took place, mainly because they evoke the most emotional side of me as well as "lasting" impressions in my mind. This year, I'll have a change, thanks to a friend who reminded me that bad/sad events should be forgotten and not "cast in stone" on the world wide web. Indeed, in order to start anew, one should leave his baggage behind and not dwell on the past. Else, how can you hope to start afresh?
So this time round, I shall scan through my grey matter and pull out only the happy events to blog about. They may be few and little but at least they brought me joy (ah.. pun intended) and kept me happy for a while. I hope in the coming year, I will have more of such happy things to blog about. =)
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1. My Italy trip - it was fabulous! I love the fact that we got to roam around many cities in the country; tasted wine at every meal during the trip; took many scenic and beautiful pics; and of course, satisfying the materialistic side of me when I indulged in getting my B-wallet, C-watch and P-bag. Hohohohoho... I enjoyed the trip very very much... Italy is definitely a place I would visit back again when I have the chance, especially Florence. Simply adore that place - so full of artistic flair. Really hoping I'll get a chance to go back again soon.
2. Career switch - It proved to be quite a challenge initially, especially when I've been quite comfortable with what I was doing for the past 4+ years. Sometimes you just don't really want to move out of your comfort zone to plunge into something unknown and uncertain. Well, life's short - sometimes you just gotta try it out. You never know if things'll work out but at least you've tried. A career switch at this time of my life isn't unheard of, and it's something that I really wanted to try it out. 9 months into it now and I'm enjoying it. Though I've yet to acquire the necessary knowledge and technical skills now, I know that I'll survive. It has been quite a tough time, juggling with classes 3x every week and the huge pile of reports due within such a short time frame, but it has been fulfilling. Let's hope 2012 will continue to be a fulfilling year for me.
3. New working environment - Some of the perks that come along with a career switch - new work environment, great colleagues, lotsa learning opportunities, earlier KO time (Yes, I get to go home at 4.15pm everyday. Woohoo~) I would say I've been really lucky; to be able to meet great colleagues in every job I've been at. Always helpful, always patient in giving me help and guidance. This new work environment has provided me many opportunities to learn many things, whether it is the hard, technical skills or the soft communication skills, I feel like a sponge, trying hard to soak up all that I've learnt and observed. I hope this learning curve will continue to ascend in the coming new year.
4. Friends, friends and more friends - As you embark on a new chapter in life, you get to know new friends, and at the same time, maintain old ones as well. I'm blessed to say that during the past 12 months, I have had the greatest fortune to be surrounded by all these great friends who have helped me in one way or another. Especially the "old" friends that I had - caring for me every step of the way, giving me all their support and encouragement as I fought through the numerous battles thrown at me. And not only that, they've been very patient in listening to my whines and grumbles (especially my fren, J who has been very patient with me. Thank you so much, fren!!). It's always times like these that I thank my lucky stars (or maybe my previous life) for having had the fortune to have crossed paths with them in this life. All I wanna say to them is: Thanks for sticking around!! I'm so lucky to have met you gals!!! =D
5. Family - we've had our fair share of disagreements, arguments, squabbles. But at the end of it all, we've always stuck together and go through thick and thin together as a family. Though the past year has been quite a rough year for us all, let's look forward that 2012 will be a much better year for us. We will work things out, trust me and believe in me.
6. New clothes/toys/bags - ah yes... forgive the materialistic Joy.. she sometimes would love to indulge in retail therapy. It helps to balance up the uneven roads in life. Hahahahaha... Yes, in the last 1 year, I got myself a new B-wallet, C-watch, P-bag (refer to point #1 earlier on where I got them). I also got a new TV and DVD player to enhance my viewing pleasure (although I hardly use them cause I'm stuck at school and with report writing most of the time. lol). I got a new tech toy, which starts with the letter "i" (no prize for guessing the right answer); new clothes which start with A (ooooh.. I can become an endorser for them now le... hahahaha); and my fren got me an A-bag, which I'm carrying now. ^^ Looking forward to 2012, I hope for more $$ so that I can buy more stuff! Wahahahaha...
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A friend once asked me, why do I always post when I'm sad and not when I'm happy. Well, when I'm happy, the joy oozes out from me cuz I'm unable to contain it. But when I'm sad, that depressed feeling is bottled inside of me and only by blogging can I temporarily release it. It's not going to solve matters but at least for this short period of time as I'm penning it down, I can let it all out. Hopefully it can make me feel better afterwards.
2011 has been a very eventful year so far. By eventful I meant lots of events happening in my life. But sadly, there were more unhappy ones than the joyous occasions. January was a month of setbacks for me as I battled with internal struggles within me, with clear doubts on my capabilities and strengths. It was a month of immense pressure for me as well. I lost much self-confidence and I was almost certain I could never snap out from it. In fact, I haven't really moved out from it now. It scarred me and I believe it's hard to look back at myself in the same way as I did I'm the past.
February passed in a daze as I started piecing my life back, hopeful that I could emerge stronger. March started off with a rocky start as I embarked on a new journey, unclear and unsure what I really wanted to do. It was't too bad, new hitchhikers, new journey, I though I had it all. I thought that I was finally ready to resume back my old life, the chirpy Joy who smiles so often. But reality is harsh and cruel. When you think you've made it, a twist of events would unfold, leaving you tattered and torn. The pressure was growing strong inside me, the expectations cast upon me grew. I started behaving differently, and I could feel the change inside of me. I suffered more breakdowns than I ever had, and every time I found myself slipping deeper and deepe into an abyss of darkness and despair.
The last straw came in Nov and recently in Dec. Right now, I feel hollowed. Tears have become my confidante and joy seems to have deserted me. Not a day passes by without conflicts and arguments. Not a moment pass by without feeling cornered or trapped. That feeling of despair grows deeper with each passing minute. Tired is the only word I can utter and acting nonchalant is the only way I can keep my sanity alive. If death could solve all problems, I would gladly do so but death is not an option for me right now. The only time I can seek solace and comfort in escaping from this is when I'm in deep slumber. Only then can I escape from this invisible force that threatens to eat me alive.
If something or someone can pull me away front this turmoil, I beg you to do so. There is absolutely nothing left in me that can keep me sane anymore. Or perhaps things were meant to be left this way. Because the world can still revolve around without me and time will continue to move forward without my involvement. I don't matter anymore. Nothing else does anyway.
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简单的几个字，却足以表达我的心境。原本以为是个 tough gal 的我，最终还是不敌现实的残酷，几乎要崩溃了。
是我高估了自己，还是老天爷原本有意作弄，我已分不清我到底能做什么了。
能说的，我都说了。 能做的，我也都做了。 可是，为何还是嫌不够呢？ 难道非要朝你的方向才算是对的吗？ 还是非得依照你的指示去处理才是正确的。
也许在你心里，你已经有了答案，或许你也不再需要我为你提供任何意见，甚至参与你的一
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As for me, life is like a car ride. For those with a clear objective in mind, their destination is clear. They start the engine, get on the right gear, and off they go, zooming to reach their final point. There may be a few twists and turns that may steer him off track but at the end of the day, this driver will definitely know when to steer himself back on the roads and head towards his destination.
Me? My destination's a little fuzzy. No, it has not been clearer as I age. In fact, it seems to have blurred more. I have made so many meanders along the way that I've kinda lost track of what my initial destination or objective was. The car ride has also been a little bumpy and rocky - not exactly smooth cruising for me. I've had a fair share of nice hitch hikers along the way too - they've been tolerating with my bad sense of direction and crappy jokes yet at the same time, entertained me and kept me company along the lonely journey. But alas, enjoyable times are really short lived. Not all passengers are willing to stay and endure this endless journey. But fortunately, I do have some friends who stayed to weather the storms with me. Most of the time, it's thanks to them that I wouldn't find myself lost in the roads to nowhere.
But there are times into the night when I feel lonely, as I stare out into the dark starry horizon with nothing except the headlamps. Even the headlamps fail me sometimes. These are the moments where I feel weary, tired and lost. As much as I want to find my destination, I find myself unable to establish one at the moment. Indecisive? Unsure? Fear? I don't know either. There has been that 1 or 2 moments where I just wanna abandon the car and let go. I know I'm being a coward in doing so but I just can't help it sometimes. The other drivers just drive you nuts sometimes. Honking at you, overtaking you (and then pointing their middle fingers at you), all the abuses and stuff can just make u crumble under the pressure.
Of course at the end of the day, parents and friends come to the rescue and show me that there is still light at the end of that endless tunnel (pun intended). I just wish I have enough fuel to carry on.
Perhaps I was wrong...
- In thinking that dreams can come true, if u wish hard enough. Otherwise, the phrase "harsh reality" would not have emerged.
- Believing that you reap what you sow. You'll be lucky enough to reap the fruits of your own labour. Most of the time, if the fruits are truly sweet, they would have been reaped by others before you.
- That it pays to be kind. Somehow the phrase "恶人当道" keep floating in my mind as I'm writing this.
- That people appreciate the things you do. It usually ends up being taken for granted.
- Work hard and you shall be rewarded. The key is not work hard, but smart. And be at the right place at the right time and most important, say the right things too!
- To harbor hopes. Most often than not, 期望越高，失望越大
- Good Samaritans exist. Maybe there are, rare and few and I haven't met one yet!
- Time can heal all wounds. BS. It just makes the memories grow deeper.
- Tomorrow will be a better day. That better day doesn't really always come tomorrow. It usually comes much later than that.
- That life is fair. It never was. Accept that!
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I still remember when Granny was hospitalized for about a week, I became a frequent visitor to TTSH. I knew exactly when the nurse would make their medication rounds, I knew what time lunch and dinner would be served, and I was always one of the last visitors to leave her ward at the end of the day. When I looked at the frail body frame of my relative, I was instantly reminded of Granny's physique when she was lying on the hospital bed. I recalled how I used to hold her hand while she slept and stroking her hair as I watched her chest moving up and down in rhythmic motion. I've always envisioned her as the strong and gungho granny who even at the age of 85, didn't require any walking stick and was very capable of taking the public transport and moving around S'pore all by herself. She would live to a ripe old age. But when she laid on the hospital bed, defeated by lung cancer, it suddenly dawned on me that her journey was coming to an end soon. And I didn't want that. I really didn't want that. But who are we? On what grounds can we say we want to defy death? Since the history of mankind, no one ever escaped death - it was an eventual destination for all of us, either sooner or later. Despite the fact that I didn't want her to ever leave me, I had to let her go eventually. I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. Even though it's been so long, I still miss her dearly.
And tonight, as I see my relative lying on the hospital bed, growing frail and weak because of old age, I wonder if my journey would be similar as it neared its end. I'm not being pessimistic; I guess it's just being mentally prepared bah. Like I said, it's a process that we'll reach somehow. I just hope it'll be a less painful one. Meanwhile, I pray that my relative would not suffer as his life journey comes to a halt.
不知为何，今晚的心情比以往沉重一些。。。 感觉眼前的也路似乎看不见终点。是我开始迷失方向了吗？ 还是我已渐渐地失去了自我？
在开往回家的路途上，觉得路好长，好遥远。突然感觉这拥挤的世界里，也或许容不下我这
Without a goal in mind, without an objective in place, where will this road be leading me to?
If the road ahead of me seems bleak, will there be light at the end of the tunnel? If the ship I'm on is riding on choppy waters, will I get to see the calm weather once more? When I feel lost, will there be a compass to steer me back to the right course once more?
As I went car cruising around the island after my night class was over, thousands of thoughts and emotions gushed through me. That feeling of loneliness and helplessness seem to envelop me once more. The few sleepless nights before this did nothing to help ease away this mental state. Friends will probably chide me for thinking so much. After all, life's short. Why waste it on such things that yield no results and no returns?
I guess it's those phases in life where you pause and ask yourself what it is that you really want. Is your life filled with the notion of living up to people's expectations? Or could it be your own expectations that are stifling you? With every expectation comes certain form of disappointment. As the Chinese saying goes, 期望越高，失望越大。How true that is. Think I'm beginning to lose it all. Just like how Richard Marx sings it, "As my sanity hangs by a thread" - this is probably as close as I can get before I start tearing my hair out from my roots.
This entry probably won't make any sense after you've read it. I doubt I'll be able to make sense of it either. Haha. Just take it as I'm blabbering. As always. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore anyway. *shrugs* C'est la vie. Toutes les jours. Juste moi et moi seulement.
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I could understand what she was going through, having gone through this ordeal myself. So when I sent her home and we were both sitting in the car, we started sharing stories about our grannies, relishing the pain and heartache together. We sobbed as we re-enacted scenes about our happy days with our guardians; the pain still stung for me even though more than a year had passed (in fact it would be almost 2 years coming May). I guess there are just some things that just don’t fade with time, but actually grow. 思念 is definitely one of them.
As I drove back home, lost in thoughts and memories of my granny, the road ahead suddenly seemed far and lonely. And I meant both literally and metaphorically. Far because I took a wrong turn and did a detour before I arrived home (that’s the literal part). Lonely because there weren’t much cars on the road, surprisingly (again that’s the literal part). Figuratively, the path ahead does seem distant somehow, as though I never really moved an inch forward since the day she passed away. Perhaps I’m just standing rooted to the ground, refusing to march forward for fear that I may one day forget her. Or it could be that a part of me just died along with her on that very day, and I’ve lost all motivation to venture ahead. Sometimes that loneliness feeling just creeps up and I’ll find myself crying to sleep and waking up the next morning with swollen eyes and a blocked nose.
I’m still trying to 看开, but at times I still find myself very much trapped in the past. It’s getting slightly better now, but I’m more worried for my mother. Though we don’t talk about it much, I know she’s still very upset and depressed over this whole issue. And with all that’s been revolving around me lately, I believe she hasn’t really had much chance to snap out of her depression mode. I just wish that I could once again muster that courage and strength that can tide both of us over this period, however long it may take.
Year 2011 is supposed to be a "milestone" for me - having reach the big 3-0. Ah yes, I'm not exactly shy to admit that I am fast reaching 30, the hideous digit that will haunt me for the next 10 years and reminding me that I can no longer act cute and innocent anymore. Was just talking to a friend in the car the other day, and quoting back my own words, "已经三十岁了，还一事无成". To that, my friend gave me encouraging words, comforting me that it was not entirely the case. It's amazing how time flies. Never would I have thought that 30 years would have zoomed past like this, and then before I know it, another 10 years would have lapsed and I would be like the girls in the show, Sex and the City, celebrating my big 4-0 like Carrie and the rest.
Is it that scary? To be reaching 30? Or is it some kind of societal norm that makes the commoners gasp and shriek when reaching this "golden number"? It really isn't that different from being a 29-er, ya know. But perhaps the notion behind it is really just reminding you that time and tide wait for no man, and that it's time to start planning ahead.
I haven't had the slightest idea what I plan to do for the next 10 years or even 5 years ahead. It's not something that I have been avoiding, but rather, I've been quite comfortable just riding the tide as it comes along. Whether it was in relationships, or at work, I've not really planned too far ahead. Plain laziness? Or lack of ambition? I dunno myself either. Maybe in time, all will reveal itself, without me hankering for it.
And for year 2011, I shall wait patiently for things to fall into place. In the meanwhile, let me enjoy the last few months of being 29 before I start counting down to bidding it farewell.
